white lilies
in my room

unusual
alive
but not
awake
the only
light
glowing in
the narrow sliver
of the moonlight
from my window

I can feel them
even if I keep my eyes shut
they are painfully waiting
to forgive that I’ve
cut them down
kept them with me
leave them every day
and have dared
to return
to apologize
to love them

alive
and I’m
bearing
witness to
their life
someday
a wife
will hold them
in her hair
or her hands
they will bear all
but won’t be
as painfully
open
as they are to me
though they are
closed
now

peeking
peering
out
into the ruin
of my well-organized
room in my living
the vulnerability
so vivid
in my strength

I pull the label
off my beer
I don’t want the petals
to ever fall
on another bed
I don’t want a bed of
roses
to rise
aroused
underneath
or cover me
they are suffocating
not invigorating
like white lilies

they are near
but so far away
they are here
but above
looking down
not with pity
or shame
but pain
they have full reign
of my thoughts
and have always had my heart
and I rain
with my sorrow
with my hope
with my love

I never wanted
to collect
or wreck them

just starting
to warm up here
I hope the heat
from my hell
that makes my small
thin
remains
swell up
at least my eyes might
match my thighs
this way

they sway
swish in the
brown bottle
a swig
a swallow
I swear
I can see
hear
they are breathing
out
open
letting go
but I don’t know
if they are
letting me in